Take the back seat Jillian

*sigh* so I’ve aborted my mission for now.  The last time I went head to head with her 30 day shred I felt rejuvenated and confident that I was going to rule this by the end of the month.  My confidence was short lived when I attempted to go down the stairs and I got this sharp pain shooting down my leg but more so wrapping around my knee.  I figured I pulled something but the next day when I went to do the standard jumping jacks in the video, I couldnt do it without my knee giving out and me stumbling to the floor.  I staggered thru it, modifying the routine so that I could function.  I was hit by a little cold so I decided to take a rest from it so I could get better, that and it was hard to breath thru it when I was weezing and congested.  I thought that the week off would do me and my knee justice but uhhh I was wrong.  My knee has been getting worse so I went to the ol trusty google and this is what I found :

WHERE’S YOUR PAIN?
Possible Causes and Exercises

Outside of Knee                                                       Iliotibial Band Pain Exercises: Hip Squat Clam Figure Four Stretch Crossover Stretch Hamstring Stretch Calf Stretch Jumping Jacks They had multiple pictures of different injuries and different parts highlighted in red but this was the one.  It was like that Charlie Brown Special when he’s playing the piano and Lucy yells “That’s IT!!!” and goes flying from the piano.  So I’m suppose alternate heat and ice, take inflammation meds like motrin, and of course NO EXERCISE.  Uhg.  Everytime I try to better myself physically and loose these extra pounds that found me through out the years, I end up doing damage to my body that restrains me from doing it again.  Before I got pregnant I was hitting the gym everyday before work until one day I got this pain on the ball of my foot that I tried to work thru…causing more damage…and by the time I went to the Dr, he slapped me with Das Boot for 6 weeks and told me that I couldnt do any physical activity for 3 months.  Then I got pregnant and couldnt do to much after that.  Now this.  Can you feel my frustration? Being healthy should not be this much work, and if it is, it shouldnt be damaging to ones body parts!!!!  Whoooo ok my rant is over.  But my knee still hurts. booooo.

Crazy talk?

I know that there will come a time in my life when I’ll have to explain myself to my daughter.

I was raised in a small church congregation that was non-denominational.  That ment little to me except that I wasent Lutheran or Catholic.  And although I was taught the “basics” of what the Bible was and who I am in Christ there was a bunch of holes that were never filled in.  A lot of do this and that but dont do that or this but no reason why.  I’m not going to blame that on my behavior, I have/had enough common sence to know what I was doing.  There is going to come a day when I have to…let me change that…everyday is a chance to teach my daughter the right way.  If I start now it wont be a fraction as hard as what it could be….right?  Let me get to the point.

I always knew that one should save themselves for marriage.  In fact I was a crazy fanatic about it in high school.  My peers/friends thought it was an unattainable “goal”.  I was so sure of myself, I just knew that I would never give in, it was to important to me.  At least that was what I was taught to believe.  God wanted me to wait until marriage, so I would.  But Why?  I don’t know, I was just told to.  Get my point?  So along comes real boyfriend number one.  I met him at church youth group.  We played in the band together, I wanted to date him SO bad.  He had longish curly hair, played bass, and was just o-so-cool.  He also smoked cigarettes (neither here nor there) but after months of dedicated pursuing (where I took up smoking just to flangle a few minutes of his time) we started dating.  And of course we loved each other and of course we knew this was it so of course we thought…..if we are going to get married anyway, why wait?  He was a christian, I was a christian, God brought us together….and tada!  A misconception that led to a oooppsie conception.  In the mid of my parents splitting up I will admit I was terribly able to get away with what ever I wanted and sadly that ment little parental control.  At 16 I landed myself pregnant and facing my senior year in high school.  How did that happen to the girl that said “oh no I will NEVER have sex before I’m married.”  Because I didnt know that I was suppose to be saving it for someone else.  No one ever told me about my future husband, for all I knew it was my crazy haired bass player. 

Needless to say I miscarried, we broke up and I tangled a web of different men along the way.  Which brings me to the second point.  It is entirely way to important to tell our babes that you DO NOT have to have sex to get way to intimate with someone.  You can give your heart away without having to give everything else too.  Why am I on this soap box?  Because for the last week…and randomly through out my life…I get little reminders of all the pieces of hearts that I still have.  I don’t want them anymore of course but I will always have this pocket full of them.  I can’t take back whose heart I broke and I can’t take back my own heart that I gave.  But I did it over and over again so that when my husband did arrive, the heart I was able to give him was a little holy, but not in a good way.  Same with these pieces that I have, I can’t give them back.  I will bump into an old “friend” from time to time and I usually get the, “so do you ever think of….” OR the ” if we would have just done this then maybe….”  They say enough for me to know that they still think about what was, and they still hold those feelings of errrr love? or something like that.  I can’t stop their feelings but its a sick reminder of the damages I have caused and it makes me sad to know I have something that belongs to their future wives.  Back to me…I was going thru some really old clothes in these boxes that came from my moms house and I found an old shirt that wasnt mine (get yo mind out of the gutters it was a work shirt) Thats when most of this started.  Then I heard a few songs that were particularly linked to this other guy.  Then I had a resident who so closely resembles another one that I need to take a double look every time I see him.  All different circumstances, all different men.  Of course all the old memories filled my head before I could shake them out, which I promptly do, but not before they inflict that same old pain. So here I am with those old feelings and there they are with the same.  I’m not saying that I remissness and I want any of that life with them back but if you’ve ever had a break up you know what I mean.  All of this could have been avoided if I had just known or listened.

If I had known how serious, how detrimental it was to save myself, in ALL aspects I would take it all back in a heart beat.  None of this “you learn from your mistakes” crap.  This was way to important to miss, I missed it.  Now I have this long list of shame.  I have this little 5 month old daughter that I have got to somehow show.  These times are not like the times I grew up in…(how sad is that, I’m only 24) Now is the time to raise her up in the way and the reasons (so important) the Lord has for us.  That all being said, I was chatting with a friend of mine about these things and she brought up the point of pre arranged marriages.

Say what???!!!!  Yep, not that it would actually happen but if you think about it…seriously…and get over the “craziness” of the thought, you can see how much sence it makes.  It may damper the whole free will thing but look where thats gotten us lol.  If we were to train up our youngins with the idea of one man for one women and they KNEW who that person was, how much easier would it be for them to stay the path.  And its not like they would really know at a young age, there would be gentle nudging on the parents part. None of the trial by error and many less hearts being broken.  Not to mention you have all that time to really become a family with your in-laws.  You’ll know absolutely everything you would need to know and all the quirks would be worked out early on.  Sounds silly I know, but it was just a thought.

Welcome Back

I did a big no-no yesterday and stepped on the scale.  I have been meaning to put it up so I dont have to stare at it every morning but curiosity got the best of me.  And just like I thought…….. I gained 3lbs.  I knew it was going to happen, but I didnt want to see it.  It’s perfectly normal to put on weight before it starts falling off.  My muscles are building and that weighs more then fat so its just the process that I have to get ok with. 

And to put myself out there…I havent shredded in two days.  I couldnt on Monday since I didnt get home till 10pm and honestly I dont know that I physically could…I’m sure I could have cried myself thru it but man I was in bad shape that day.  Yesterday I woke up with this crazy sinus/cough/sore throat thing.  I wasnt going to let that stop me but then Adalyn was upset all day long.  I can see the two bottom teeth trying to break the skin and poor girl just stays uncomfortable all the time.  I couldnt put her down so there went Tuesdays shred.  BUT tonight Chris is going to have 30 minutes of daughter daddy time so I can squeeze in my work out.  I hate that Im behind two days so Im starting over.  An extra two days can’t hurt…well yes they did but you know what I mean.  AND I’m going straight to the scale and putting it in the closet, I dont need that distraction.  That’s it for my update, not much to tell.  I hope that I’m at least encouraging someone out there that it IS possible and you CAN do it!

“The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps.” Proverbs 16:9 (NRSV)

Death By Jillian

Ok so maybe that is a bit extreme, but not by much.  I started my 30 day journey on Saturday and by the end of those blessed 20 minutes I could barley walk down the steps.  I was on a work out high tho, I had done it!  My first day down and it wasent unbarable.  I woke up on Sunday and forgot that I had shredded the day before…that is until I tried to sit up.  It wasent as bad as  I thought it would be, ya I was sore but I had been sorer (is that a word) before.  So I pressed on and did my second day on Sunday.  It was harder then the day before because of the soreness but I was able to finish it again.  I did do a little groaning at the end of the DVD, something I always thought was silly.  This time when I was done I had to hang on to the hand rail on the way down the steps.  It was hard holding Addy because my arms were about to fall off.  Today when I woke up I felt like I had been hit by a train…or beat from one end of my house to the other.  I wish I was exaggerating but It is bad.  One of my legs actually convulses when I walk, I can’t bend down at my waist and walking seems like a slow torture.

That being said….I am sickly loving it.  I have no idea how I am going to be able to do it tonight but I am going to try.  My co-workers (laughing at my pain) said that I should really take a break for the day and give my body a chance to re-coop but after reading “how to do the 30 day shred” it says that even tho you may be sore, maybe you can hardly stand, you must do it every day for the ultimate results.  “Push thru the pain”.  I was going to take the day off but then I read that and I was like…”ok there goes that plan”.  Im in it to win it man, I want CHANGE.  I want to wear all the clothes in my ” I wish” boxes.  And I want to do it NOW.

Is anyone crazy enough to do this challenge with me?  I would love a shred partner!  Oh and I did take before pics but if I posted them now it wouldnt be nearly be as cool as having the after pics.

30 day shred

In order to save some moola I have decided to opt out of going to the gym and investing in some exercise DVD’s.  The past few days have been filled with online surfing and multiple reviews and I have narrowed it down to Jillian’s 30 Day Shred.  (The chick from Biggest Looser) All her DVD’s get raving reviews and more importantly RESULTS.  In some ladies the pounds dont come off like they want to but their bodies change dramatically.  Weight transferring to muscle, so even if that scale doesnt read the numbers your looking for, your body is in great shape.  I have seen some pretty amazing before and after shots of ladies even after 10 days…you can really tell.  I am super stoked to start this. 

apparently there is 3 levels and you can either do level 1 for 10 days then 2 for 10 days and so on, OR if your as out of shape as maybe oh say ME then you can do level 1 for 30 then 2 etc.  I am not sure which route I will take, it all depends on the endurance I can muster up.  I’m sure you see the most results if you do all 3 levels in the 30 days….and doing so you can “loose up to 20 lbs in 30 days”.  Wouldnt that be cool!  My expectations are not that high..lol.. that way I won’t be disappointed.  But I do want to loose 15 lbs by December 8th.  That’s when I go back to ND.  2 months, 15 pounds…I can do it!  I am going to couple this with the idea of weight watchers.  I’m not actually in the program but I have all the books and different tools that tell me what the points are, Im not super strict with it but it makes for a good guide line. 

I am going to be posting results here if anyone wants to follow this journey with me.  Later this evening I will post my before pic and hopefully can post every 10 days ( that is if I can do it the way I am hoping, all 3 levels in 30 days).  I am going to start my efforts tonight…..i think.  Papa is coming over for steak and I dont know i can do a bunch of jumping after that…we’ll see.  I’ve chosen to display this on my blog since its semi accountability.  The whole reason I like going to the gym, to do classes, is because you get pushed to keep going and I need that.  Maybe if some of you readers push me and keep me on top of this I can keep going and shred this baby body of mine!

“You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed.  Every promise had been fulfilled; not one has failed.” (Joshua 23:14) NIV

How encouraging!  I can rest easy in the promises that God has given me.

10.01.09 Reflection

I just read this post from Jen’s blog, and if I had the time to link it I would.  But if you look over to my blog roll you’ll see her there : )  It is a must read.  Anyway, it really hit home, worded so perfectly.  In fact it was so perfect that once I read it I looked over to my scripture for the day and what would you know. “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 (NIV)

As a mom myself, I too was disturbed by the news of this wee ones death.  It started making me think about all the friends and family I lost way to early in life.  Not like there is a perfect time to loose anyone your close to but there are those ones that make you stop in your tracts and loose your breath.  It started in high school, 11th grade, when Daysun was riding in a car that was going way to fast and inevitably ended with him the only one not walking away.  For our small town it really shook it up.  After moving to Raleigh those memories had faded but I suppose it doesnt take long since Raleigh is 10 times bigger then Minot.  I lost the first friend I made out here only 5 months later.  A few months after that I got a call that my cousin had been killed by her ex-boyfriend.  This strung along for a while, an ex of mine committed suicide, my step-brothers friend had passed in a car accident, my dear friend Robbie also died from a wreck…..point being all these terrible memories, accompanied by the fear of the unknowing, flooded back to me.  Here were all these people all under 23 at the time of their passing, why can’t it happen to me?  Why won’t it happen to me?  Or my family for that matter?  Read the blog, it changes and reinforces everything I know but have to push to the front of my mind, constantly confessing.

I know that I too will now be whispering this scripture into the sweet ears of my family before we go to bed.

I will call him Squishy

and he will be mine and I will be his.  That is how it started back in 2003 when a kid came into my store with this black and white fur ball.  Someone was giving away kittens at the pet store a few stores down from mine.  I held that little fur baby and it was all over….fast forword 6 years.  He has been bounced around from house to house, had and lost other feline friends, and gotten extremely sick and made all better. 

This post is not the easiest one to write but I really feel like he deserves a better goodbye then what I gave him.  Squishy was one of those corky personality cats that made us all laugh at the most random times.  He loved to play in water and would drink it off his paws.  He had little shame and was often found laying on his back bearing all to see.  He loved to cuddle and if you got him really relaxed his nose would run all over the place.  He was 15lbs of love.  Unfortunalty he started getting really upset when we added Maverick to our home and started a few nasty habits.  Once Adalyn came we realized that he could not be happy with us anymore and he needed a nice cat lady that had other friends for him to play with and a lap for him to lay on.  I tried everything, I put the word out, posted multiple adds on Craigslist, called every cat shelter I found but no one wanted a 6 year old, previously sick, needs to be on special food kitty cat.  Not only that but he had to have a certain cat litter, two litter boxes and even then he would still *ahem* poop on the floor.  That was the kicker, he kept doing this and with Adalyn crawling soon I just couldnt risk her finding a unknown pile and inevitably putting it in her mouth….nasty.  So after all my efforts I broke down and gave him up for adoption at the Wake County Animal Shelter.  I signed over my rights with tears in my eyes and kept my goodbye very short.  I filled my head with the idea that he was going to be loved by someone who had all the time in the world for him.  That was September 7th.  Not 4 hours later my mom called with news that they could not adopt him out due to his previous health condition and if I didnt come pick him up (and pay $50) they would put him to sleep.  I was livid…they knew when I dropped him off about the health issue and I was NOT going to pay $50 to pick up MY cat.  After my mom argued with them about how unfair that was they agreed to let him go no charge…but  I was to late, they were closed.  I went on the website and to my dismay they were closed on Wednesdays…that ment that by Thur. he would be gone.  I pushed the thoughts as far out of my mind as I could and hung on to the hope that they in fact would adopt him out.  Call it denial.  Chris offered to call on Thursday to see his status but I couldnt handle it.  I didnt want to know what they did to him.  So I have been dealing with it day by day UNTIL they called my mom again on September 24th…in regards to Squishy.

They had him the whole time!  Here I thought he had passed.  It was like a ghost.  They told my mom (since I had to surrender my rights they couldnt call me directly and had to call my mom instead) that he had gotten really sick and he wasent responding to the medicine, he was getting worse everyday.  If I didnt pick him up they were definitely putting him down that day.  I hurried out of work and picked up his special food and speed to the shelter to save my fur baby.  I was so excited he was still alive!  There was mass confusion when I got there but after a few nervous minutes they found the file they needed.  Then they slapped me across the face with a hefty fee of boarding, meds and adoption.  I was floored.  I explained that up until that day I was under the impression that I didnt have a cat anymore and had I known that they had him still I would have picked him up weeks before.  I told them of how Wednesday they were closed and I didnt have the heart to call the next day to hear that he was no longer with us.  She called the director and he was unmoved and the fees were still needed to be paid.  My heart heaved, I just didnt have the money to save him.  I choked this out between little sobs and asked to see him.  When they took me back to the cat quarantine he was laying in the cage with his eyes swollen and his nose crusty.  His food was untouched and he didnt have energy to get up to see me.  I put my fingers through the cage to try and touch him but he just looked at me through his hazy eyes.  Even if I could come up with the money, how long would he make it at home?  How would it effect our baby?  I mumbled a few sorries and love yous.  He blinked a few times and I left unable to do anything about the situation.  On the phone they told me that I was just to come pick him up and there was no charge.  In two hours I went from having no cat to having a cat if I just picked him up and then I had to sentence him to die again because of a stupid mix up.  It was terrible!  Terrible is not even the right word.  I was furious.  I kept thinking about how ridiculous it was.  They were going to end up paying more money to put him to sleep but here I was willing to take him.  Their thing was that they put so much money into him with the boarding and the meds. that I needed to reimburse them……and since I couldnt they had to do what they had to do.  Dosent make any sence does it? 

So I left that wicked shelter for the second time 10 times more upset then the first.  Chris keeps telling me its not my fault but I still feel so helpless.  I had complete control over another living creatures life.  I know it is “just” a cat but what a huge decision to have to make.  I dont know how people handle much heavier situations.  I wasnt built to play God and that was what I was forced to do….and of course I failed miserably. 

So to my dear Squishy: I love you buddy and your memory will stay with me forever. I’m so sorry.        10/01/2003-09/25/2009

Hello Autumn

it’s so nice of you to show up with all this rain.  Even tho it’s creeping towards the end of September you have shown us very little of what your capable of.  Although I love the crispness of the air and the cool mornings you bring, I must say that I enjoy even more that your letting summer hang on for a while longer. 

This morning was a little rough.  Adalyn went to her 4 month appointment last Friday and as soon as the the Dr. mentioned that he seen “tooth buds” it was on.  Someone flipped a switch and my once charming little darling is now a squirmy, cranky, bundle of irritating pain.  As a first time mom I am faced with certain dissitions that I am not 100% confident in.  What should I give her?  What really helps and what just medicates her into a drooling stupor?  Everyone has methods, advice, what worked for them, opinions and I just don’t know what fits us as a family.  I am not a fan of feeding her Tylenol but Chris can’t stand seeing her upset so he is first to grab the bottle.  I would rather put something on her gums to numb them but Chris doesnt want her to swallow the stuff and make her throat go numb, understandably.  So with me not knowing the best stuff to give her and not willing to go trial and error with my tiny human being, the tylenol wins and I have a knocked out, snoring,  noncoherant baby.  Even with the medicine she wants the comfort of either mommy or daddys arms so after about 4 hours in the crib she wakes up and into the bed she goes.  Of course we wake up every two hours for fear of rolling on her and contort in crazy positions to not disturb her, naturally we wake up sleep deprived and extremely sore.

Last night I slept in the spare room, Chris was in our room and baby was in her crib (in her room).  We decided on this since there was no reason that we both suffer.  2:30am and Adalyn is crying to be held so Chris takes the first shift and I drift back to sleep.  4:30am and Chris brings her to me because he needs to get ready for work and wasnt able to get back to sleep.  Same thing happens on my end and by 6:15am I finally give up and we start our morning ritual dance on getting ready.  I attempt to get my contacts in but after 30 seconds of realizing that they both had some sort of dagger dirt on them and two blood shot eyes later, I take them out.  For some reason we couldnt get it together this paticular morning (blame the sleep deprivation and muscle tightness)  and I ended up flying out the door without breakfast only to learn that of all nights to leave my window open, i did.  Of course I found this out by sitting down in my seat then after feeling the o-so-cold wetness on my pants.  I run back inside and grab a towel and try my hardest to soak up 8 hours worth of rain from my drivers side seat.  I left the towel as a seat cover and put the baby in the car.  I reached for my seat belt and then realized that it too was drenched and to put it on would only mean two embarrassing strap marks outlining things I do not want outlined.  I drop baby off at gma’s and o-so-carefully drive the 35 minutes to work with out my seat belt (which I hate doing).  I arrive here safe and sound and realize that it’s now Autumn.  Hello Autumn.

“the Lord is slow to anger and great in power; the Lord will not leave the guilty unpunished.  His way is the whirlwind and the storm, and clouds are the dust of his feet.” Nahum 1:3 ( NIV)

09.18.09

“Love your enemies.  Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst.  When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out your true selves, your God-created selves.  This is what God does.  He gives his best- the sun to warm and the rain to nourish-to everyone.” Matthew 5:44-45 (MSG)

I make it a point in life to have as few enemies as possible.  Of course no one really wants enemies…although there are some people that enjoy the drama that it entails.  In fact my personality can’t stand enemies, if I know some one doesnt like me, I must find out why, I need to analyze it and I start thinking that I’m doing something wrong or what I can do to fix it. 

An enemy is such a strong term, its up there with the word “hate”.  What does someone have to do to be an enemy? “one that is antagonistic to another; especially :one seeking to injure, overthrow, or confound an opponent”  Thats some serious stuff.  In Matthew it says we are to love those people.  Its really hard to LOVE someone that is trying to injure you but if your able to…and it is possible..it brings out the best in you. huh.  I’ve read this again and again over the years but the Message Translation put it so “nicely”.  This is just in my case but not having enemies makes it so much easier to put this scripture in play : ) and if I DO have enemies, I dont know about them and thats ok.  Its better that way.

09.17.09

“Come, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord…and he will each us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths.” Micah 4:2 (KJV)

I havent been doing a good job on this whole meditating on the scriptures thing.  I was hoping that posting the verse of the day would help with the “renewing of the mind”.  It’s almost 2:30pm and this is the first time I read it…I should have read it this morning and chewed on it all day.  Kind of discouraging.  Know what else is discouraging?  I think they moved the spell check button on me so now I cant check my spelling.  Where did it go?